Worthless

Hey guys. I will start off just by warning you that this is not a happy post. It’s not about food, friends, fun, or baking or anything like that. Right now I’m not even sure quite what all I’m going to say, but I know it’s not going to be anything like my usual posts, so please don’t read it unless you just really want to. I just need some where to let my feelings out and I have literally no one else to talk to. Sad, I know. And that’s just one aspect of my worthless life.

I feel like I’m relapsing. I’m restricting, I’m body-checking all the time, I’m putting myself down, and I’m stressed out beyond explanation. I have been traveling non-stop and I’m leaving for my grandma’s farm today which is three hours away. Over the weekend, my aunt, my mom, and my grandma all got really mad at me and now I don’t even think my aunt will talk to me. Me and my mom have been fighting all week and this morning on the way to the YMCA we started up again big time and I ended up being driven home alone. In the car I was sobbing (and still am) and she was yelling to the point of almost crying. It was awful. I told her I just wanted to go to be with her there and cheer her on during our 5K training and water aerobics, but she didn’t listen. She just glared at me and said that I never go so that I can be with her, I just go because I’m selfish and want to go for myself, which is not true at all, and I wish she could see that. She wouldn’t even talk to me as I got out of the car. I haven’t been for a run (which is my de-stressor) in over a week and now my mom told me that we’re not going to the Turkey Trot 5K that I was going to do with her tomorrow. I know how pathetic and lame I am to say this, but my mom is (was?) like my only best friend. We encouraged each other, we supported each other no matter what, and she was always there for me. Now that I’ve lost all of that I feel worthless. I have no one to talk to and no one to love me. My brother plays video games or watches TV 24/7 (almost literally – all his waking hours) and insists that no one say anything to him as to not “bother” him. He wouldn’t understand anyway. The only one who still tells me that he loves me is my dad, and he is NEVER home. He works late every night and then goes to church meetings. He’s even started working weekends sometimes too. I see him in the morning before he leaves for work since I’m up eating breakfast, but that’s about it.

Oh and another thing – I feel like I’m losing my faith. I know a lot of you aren’t religious, but the fear and uncertainty that comes with a feeling of loss like this is horrifying. I never pray anymore (Am I too busy? Do I not care? I don’t even know now) and I never make time to connect with God. I feel so lost and broken. Right now I need that comfort and reassurance more than ever, and this is the time that I lose it. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to anyone in my family about it since they would just be “shocked” and probably would yell and scream and make me go to a councilor. My dad is a leader in our church and I don’t know what he would say if I ever mentioned anything about my faith being less than 100%. I don’t want to lose it, but I feel like I just have no control anymore.

I don’t feel like this is all because of ED either. I am almost positive that I have depression or bi-polar disorder because I am just so emotional sometimes that I just can’t keep myself under control. I’m extremely irritable and sensitive and once I start crying it’s nearly impossible for me to stop, even if I really want to. When I get in fights with people I find it really hard to forgive myself and move on. I have had this problem to a lesser extent all my life, but now it’s a million times worse. I have never told anyone in the world this, but when I was in 6th grade I cut myself. I was in public school then and no one really knew it, but I was going through a really tough time. I don’t know if I did it for the attention or just for an escape, but I just wanted a way to let it out. Well now I feel like I’m going through hell and I have no idea what to do. My life is upside-down and I feel like I’m just falling apart. My friends are gone. I used to have other people to turn to when things went south and now there’s no one there. No one e-mails or calls me. No invites to the mall or a party. My determination is gone. Fighter that I am, I feel like I’m losing to ED again. I have ambition and drive like you wouldn’t believe but I feel like all of that is flowing away. My happiness is gone. I’m constantly being yelled at for one thing or another and my life moves 100 mph. I’m over-worked and stressed out. My holiday spirit is gone (it’s Christmas time, hmph). I used to get so happy and warm inside whenever we’d set up holiday decorations like we did yesterday, but now I feel nothing. I want so badly to feel like I did as a little kid but nothing is there now. It makes me sad. And worst of all? My family is gone and my hope is gone. I have nothing left.

I don’t know guys. This might be my last post or even my last words posted online for years. I might blog a little here and there. I might get back into it full-time if things are ever looking up. I’m just not sure of anything right now. I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t just ruin your day. I wish more than anything that I could have somehow made this another inspirational post but I just can’t think of anything to say to make things right at this point. Thank you guys so much for everything. None of you deserve to be burdened by my problems. I hope you all have a great holiday. Don’t lose hope just because I have.

~ What’s left of Kate

Iron Chef Kate

Thursday

Hi guys! Hope everyone had an awesome day today. I have a lot to post about and not a whole lot of time, so hopefully I’ll be able to remember everything. Bear with me here. Oh, and good news! I was able to swipe borrow my mom’s camera today and I’m planning on using it until I can get my new one. It doesn’t take professional quality, but it’s better than nothing for the time being! Obviously I played around with color and contrast a little on the computer while blog reading earlier. Hahah, exuse my bad photo.

Anyway, I had school today so this morning I had to pack up a quick lunch and get all my things ready to go before we left for the YMCA. My mom just takes me to school straight after we leave so I had to pack lunch almost right after eating breakfast, which felt kinda wierd. I didn’t take any pictures just simply because it was pretty unexciting and very rushed. I whipped up a quick tuna salad (same as on Sunday), and packed some black beans, peas, green beans, and a bell pepper. To make up for the less-than-gourmet lunch I had an old favorite for breakfast today. Pancakes!

Poor ugly things… but they were delicious!

I also had some Oikos that I purchased yesterday and a bowl of fresh strawberries. The pancakes may have also been slathered in a rediculous amount of almond butter… Yeah… I couldn’t help it! The blueberries cook down to almost a syrupy consistancy and blend perfectly with the creaminess of the almond butter. Perfect, sweet, nutty bliss.

Anywho, today I took another day off running and swam instead. I had been swimming all summer and then took a few months off, but I’m surprised at how much ability I still have! Today I swam 3,000 yards (whoops, almost posted miles there for a second. Fail. Hahah.) and did that all in about an hour. I love swimming before school because it almost just seems like it helps me relax or something. It’s not just any exercise either since I typically don’t feel like that after running. Who knows. The other good thing about swimming? It makes me hangry. That’s exactly why I made sure to bring along some major snackage too. Pfft, you didn’t think I’d exercise without refueling did you? Thought not. In my gym bag I had: a honeycrisp apple, some salted peanut butter, cottage cheese mixed with plain yogurt, and an Ezekiel 4:9 sprouted pita bread. I took a pic before I left since I knew I wasn’t going to want to whip out my camera in front of everyone in the fitness center.

I like biggish snacks, which is good because I need them. Even if I don’t always remember that.

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I know I probobly seem all peppy-happy right now and have for the most part made this a positive post, but truth be told, today was not easy. I had to keep pushing ED away and trying to talk some sense into myself time after time. Even though I love that snack I posted above, ED didn’t want me to have it. “You don’t burn many calories when you swim because you’re not going as fast as you think. Plus, you’re just a kid, and you’re so short and petite. Are you even going to be hungry? Do you want it?” Step off and SHUT UP. Argh! Obviously I did eat my snack (I would never post a lie) and I did want it. Was I ravenous? Maybe not, but did that mean I didn’t need it? Heck no. And I enjoyed every last flippin’ crumb of those 400 calories thank you very much. Yes ma’m.

I have been struggling with this kind of thing pretty badly for the past couple weeks. Worse than normal. I am not going to relapse, but I’m really afraid of things starting to take a nosedive. I have to stay strong. You guys are a huge support for me and I am so thankful to have all of you. Before blogging, I literally had no one to talk to. My mom didn’t understand, my dad was never home, and I didn’t have any friends that could relate to me or who were willing to listen. I originally found the website caloriecount.com back in 2007 and had been using it to feed my ED. A couple weeks into using it, I started hearing from a lot of girls who were forming an ED Recovery Support group and I thought about joining them. At this point I was severly underweight and my parents were threatening to put me into IP or the hospital if I wouldn’t “put a stop to all this” and start gaining. Obviously, that got me pretty damn motivated and I starting using the recovery group forums for support and advice. I met so many great people there and they helped me overcome so many of my fears. Soon enough, several of them had started blogs and that’s when I really got into blog reading. I never dared start my own – until now. I can’t thank you guys enough for being here for me. Heck, and to think – without my friends from the forums and you guys, I might have been in IP. I might have been hospitalized. It’s a grim thought, but I might have been dead. Every time I see a comment I am literally excited! It’s unbelieveable how much encouragement and support I have recieved since starting up here, and I can’t think of words to show how much I appriciate everything. Thank you so much. It means a lot the world to me.

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Wow. Sorry if that was a little deep. I just really needed to let it all out. Today was quite a long day after all was said and done. All that action was making my tummy rumble. Mid-afternoon I munched on a PB&J Lara Bar and some Oikos mixed with Nancy’s cottage cheese. I feel really wierd eating yogurt and cottage cheese together all the time since it’s not something that most people typically do, but I just love the combo of the two. Salty, creamy, and oh so delicious. I think I just might be addicted to dairy, but at least I’m getting my calcium in! If I ever become lactose intolerant, heaven knows what will become of me. Hahah.

From about 4:30 to 6:00 time flew by. I was uber-busy blog reading and doing homework that I hardly noticed the clock move an inch. As soon as I finished up I knew I had to start making some din-din soon though. My mom and my brother were at the YMCA so she could take a night aerobics class and he could hang out with his friend, so I was on my own. I pondered for a good while about what to have. Flipped through some Cooking Light magazines (we have two years worth after subscibing), searched through almost every cookbook on the shelf, and even looked online. Hmmm. Did I ever find a recipe? Nope.

Cause I was the chef tonight.

Ricotta and Sundried Tomato Stuffed Chicken Roulade with Caramelized Onion and Balsamic Reduction

Hurrah for big, long, confusing, fancy recipe names! Hah, don’t be fooled my friends. This is cake to make. I don’t have time to post the recipe now, but I will add it tomorrow and link it back to my recipe page, because a phenomenon like this is too good to keep all to myself. Sometimes I am amazed at how after you know how to pair foods and know what tastes good together, you can create amazing recipes! I guess that’s how the big-time chefs do it too, but it’s kinda cool to actually make something totally on your own from your imagination instead of just following someone else’s recipe.

On the side I had my usual massive feast of veggies, cause that’s just how this homegirl rolls.

And now I’m rollin’ out!

See you guys for a (hopefully photographed) breakfast tomorrow! Thanks for reading!

xoxoxoxo, Kate

Fermented Finds

Another beautiful autumn day…

Yes it is 60 degrees and sunny in November! We are having abnormally great weather here as compared to the typical “average” for this time of the year. Just looking out my window this morning made me happy and thankful for the coming day.

But even before the sun woke up, I already had this to look forward to…

Breakfast

I made my own version of Maya’s (or Eliza’s of course) peanut goji oats. I have really been on an oatmeal kick lately (after having eaten pancakes almost every morning this summer, hahah) but I am determined to branch out and try some new varieties and toppings. Can you believe that only a year ago I made the same boring bowl of oats and flaxseed every morning? Not even a bit of whipped naner or anything! Luckily, my taste buds have refined themselves to enjoy things like…

Kate’s Peanut Goji Oats

1/2 cup oats

1 cup water (or you could use milk)

1 tbsp milled flaxseed

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp ginger

50g banana, whipped and “melted”

1 tbsp peanut butter (crunchy would be good here)

20g dried tart cherries

20g goji berries

7g dry roasted unsalted peanuts, chopped

Pretty much standard oatmeal procedure. Very simple but very tasty. I ate this bowl of deliciousness along with a Chobani topped with a dollop of cottage cheese. This is one that I really wish I had a picture of to show you. Sigh. Maybe this weekend? I’m 80% sure that I’ll be able to convince my dad to get me that new camera after all the money I have spent on other people and volunteering this year. He’s really into that kind of thing (as am I) so maybe I can persuade him to get me a little “reward”.

Anywho, today at the gym I attempted a shorter run than usual (I taken one week off) and decided that I will not be pushing my foot that hard again until it either completely heals or I can get it looked at by a doctor. The pain mid-run was almost nonexistent, but the aftermath was not so pleasant. Luckily I have access to a great fitness center equipped with a pool, which will likely continue to be my best friend until next week when I go down south to visit my uncle, who is an orthopedic surgeon. We’re going for an early Thanksgiving since he and my cousins are going to Colorado on a skiing trip for the real Turkey Day. Lucky. I will probably be sweating away in the kitchen making a million of these…

That would be the pumpkin pie that I made last night for my parent’s Bible Study group. We tried out a new recipe from Southern Living magazine, which you can find here. Twas quite labor-intensive. On the way home from school we ran by the grocery to pick up some supplies but guess what? We forgot the GINGERSNAPS. Oh snap. Of course, your’s truly was not happy to make them herself anyway.

My mom was going to make it but she got an urgent call from my grandma and had to take her to the hospital pronto. She had been having intestinal problems and a very high fever and suspected the flu as the culprit. Mom called in the middle of my pie making to update me and said that grandma was so dehydrated that her kidneys had began to shut down and that if she had arrived any later she probobly would have died. Yikes. Suddenly having to make the pie myself seemed like small potatoes compared to what was going on over there. My grandma did get to go home at around 1:00am last night, but she’s still not feeling well and I’m really worried for her being home alone. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

On a happier note, I challenged ED today by making exactly what I wanted for lunch today. No previous planning or preparing required. After reading about Eating Bender’s day of multiple omelettes, I started madly craving eggs. Eggs were always a favorite of mine as a kid before ED and they still are now. I have conquered them as a fear food for the most part, but I never eat them for lunch. Not until today that is. In my skillet went…

Easy Cheesy Omelette

1 whole egg + 2-3 egg whites

1 tbsp fresh herbs (I used cilantro, parsley, and chives)

1 tbsp green onions

2 tbsp bell pepper, diced

2 medium mushrooms, sliced thin

1/2 oz. reduced fat or regular cheddar cheese

1/2 tsp canola oil (for the pan)

I sauteed the vegetation before stuffing it into my pocket of eggy goodness. Yum. It felt (and tasted) so great to just have what I wanted at the moment instead of something I already made or “had planned” to eat. On the side I had some green beans, peas, a whole bell pepper with some salsa, kidney beans, and a slice of Healthy Hemp toast. There’s a funny story about that because just last night my mom was telling her friends at Bible Study about the new Hemp Healing hand cream that she had bought me at The Body Shop and my dad just interrupts and says “Is that LEGAL?” Hahah. “Well you don’t just wear it, you eat it!” Apparently he doesn’t know the difference between hemp and pot.

After lunch, me and my mom headed to Whole Foods on an impromptu trip because, DUN DUN DUN – we were out of Chobani! A week or two ago they had them 10 for $10 so we stocked up and bought a few cases. Of course, when you have multiple family members that eat multiple yogurts, they go freakishly fast. Needless to say, we went to go purchase some replacements… and just maybe a few other things too.

What did I come out with this time?

Some Oikos Greek Yogurt (they were on sale, Chobz was not)

Divine Grape Kombocha (never tried it, kinda scared of it, had to get it)

Nancy’s Organic Cottage Cheese (on sale for $2 off the regular price. This is my favorite cottage cheese – it’s cultured and sour and I just LURVE it.)

Nancy’s Organic Keifer (cultured milk)

LightLife Original Soy Tempeh

Tropical Fruit Tart and German Chocolate Lara Bars (Fear foods – coconut oil and saturated fat. Never tried these guys before so look for a review coming soon!)

Eden Organic chili beans

Unsalted soynuts from the bulk bin

Yeah. Okay, we didn’t buy “just yogurt” but when do you ever walk into Whole Foods and leave with only what you originally came in for? Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s kinda funny how almost every thing in my bag was either cultured or fermented. This girl loves her good bacteria buddies! Though I’m kinda scared of Kombocha, mostly just because I’ve never had it before. What about you guys? Are you a fermented fan or do you prefer things bacteria-free? Hahah, that sounded wierd.

Well, it’s snack time now and I’ve got to go pack dinner and get ready for Youth Group tonight! I’ll try to sneak in a mini-post before bed later if I can, but tonight is pretty jam-packed. I’ve got another poem to write for class as well as some other random unfinished homework. Wish me luck, and have a great rest of your day guys!

xoxo, Kate

Chocolate Covered Mornings

Good evening everyone,

I can’t make this a long post tonight but I’ll give you a quick re-cap of my day just for kicks, even though I feel like a failure of a blogger for not having any pictures to share. Humph. Hopefully that will change soon enough.

Today was one of the days that I went to my private school for Biology and Creative Writing classes. I only go on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10:45 to 2:00 and then I do the rest of my schoolwork at home. It’s not a huge deal or anything, and it’s certainly better than going to public school like I did back in elementary. Before I got there this morning, me and my mom made our usual trip to the YMCA so I could get some swimming in (still resting my foot here, but it’s feeling 75% better already).

 I think taking a week off from running has really helped me out a lot pain-wise. I used to run every day, but when I start back up I’m thinking that maybe two alternate-exercise days would be the best bet for injury prevention. For any of you runners out there – what does your schedule look like? Do you run every day or occasionally have a day or two for “cross-training”?

In Creative Writing we are working on a poetry chapter right now, and right as I walked into Biology this morning (it’s my first class) I realised that I had completely spaced the free verse that I was supposed to have done over the weekend! Panic moment for sure. Luckilly I managed to sneak in some writing during class work it in so that it was finished by the time I switched rooms.

Today’s eats were rather scattered and not too exciting (simple things packed in my lunchbox for school, snacks eaten on-the-go, you know the drill), but there was one standout and of course that was the most important, and everyone’s favorite meal of the day…

Breakfast!

After seeing this post from Heather, I was inspired to make something similar for my bowl of oats this morning. I have totally jumped on the Chocolate Covered Kindness wagon and have been skipping from page to page on Katie’s blog recently, so I was intrigued by the thought of anything chocolate covered. I bought a pomegrante at the store, made sure I had plenty of cocoa on hand, and pulled out one of the fudge babies that I made earlier this week. I was on a mission.

POM-tastic Chocolate Covered Oats

1/2 cup oats

2 tbsp wheat bran

pinch of sea salt (optional)

1/2 cup skim milk + 1/2 cup H2O

2 oz. strawberries, pureed

30g banana, melted

1 tbsp almond butter

1/2 tbsp cocoa powder

1/2 tsp vanilla

1 fudge baby, crumbled (or 1/2 a Jocalat bar)

2 tbsp pomegrante seeds

Do the obvious – cook the oats and bran in the milk and water mixture until they reach desired thickness, then whip in the melted banana and pureed strawberry. After you’ve got that cooking, blend the almond butter, cocoa powder, and vanilla together in a small bowl. The mixture will be quite thick, but that’s how it’s supposed to be, don’t worry. If you are not a fan of bitter dark chocolate you may also want to add some agave or honey to sweeten the deal up a bit. When the oats are done, scoop them into a good sized bowl and top them with the crumbled fudge baby, chocolate almond butter, and pomegrante seeds. Then just take a spoon, sit back, and enjoy the pure goodness of chocolate covered oatmeal.

Are you excited for breakfast yet or what? Yeah, I thought so. If you are looking to switch up your regular boring oatmeal routine, I highly suggest this recipe! Plus, it might remind you to pay Katie a visit and support Operation Chocolate Covered Kindness!

Have a great night guys! I have (more) homework to attend to… and I’ve still got to decide on tomorrow’s tasty oat creation! TTFN!

xoxo, Kate

 

Comfort Food… Redefined.

Hey bloggies! I have had quite the weekend over here, but I made it through alright. I apologize (again) for missing a post yesterday, but sometimes things just come up, ya know? Good news is, I have my eye on a certain camera that very well may end up in my hands in the near future! I just found out that it’s the same one that Kath has too!

Anywho, over the weekend I have really been having trouble with some “ED” feelings and discomforts. With my foot hurting the way it is, I’ve been tempted to restrict a lot since I can’t really run on it right now (and I’m not going to risk my poor foot by trying – ED can’t make a fool of me there). I’ve been trying to do my best and keep my calories up, but my acid reflux (which is a horrible pain for me, almost 24/7) hasn’t exactly made things easy-peasy either. Do any of you guys ever have symptoms like this, or upset stomach? I have had symptoms of GERD since about early August this year but haven’t really mentioned them to my doctor yet. I’m just not sure of exactly what to say and of course, my mom says “it’s nothing” and that it’s “ridiculous” that someone my age would have acid reflux since “only old and overweight people get problems like that”. Apparently that’s just another false stereotype.

Wow, did I write about all that? If you’re still awake, I’m sorry to go on and on, it’s just really been frustrating me lately. I used to be able to eat whatever and whenever but now it seems like my stomach issues are always making it painful or uncomfortable.

Despite that, I had a delicious weekend of eats anyway. Even though my camera is still nonexistent, here’s the highlights of today…

Sunday

Breakfast: Carrot Cake Oats (recipe follows), scrambled egg whites, and fresh strawberries.

Kate’s 100 Karat Cake Oats

1/2 cup rolled oats

2 tbsp milled flaxseed

1/2 cup skim milk + 1/2 cup H2O

2 oz. carrots (finely chopped in food processor)

50g banana (about 1/2 a medium)

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1 tbsp cream cheese (I used Horizon)

1 tbsp plain yogurt

1/4 tsp (good) vanilla

1/2 tsp raw honey

10g raisins (chopped)

1 tbsp almond butter

Easy enough right? Just cook the oats, flaxseed, and cinnamon per usual in the milk and agua, then whip in the carrots and banana once they near the end of cooking. In the meantime, mix together the cream cheese, yogurt, vanilla, and honey to make your “icing” (could add in a little whipped butter for a special treat) and gather up some raisins and almond butter for topping. I’m sure you know what to do next, and trust me, the final result is quite possibly the best bowl of “cake” I’ve ever had. Yup, the egg scramble and berries were just an excuse to add some nutrition in, hahah, although I must say that this is about as healthy as it gets – vegetables at breakfast!

Lookie here, it’s even celebrity endorsed now!

Snack: Plain Chobani yogurt with one of my fudge babies made from Katie’s recipe. I usually eat a lot bigger snacks after my runs guys, don’t worry. I didn’t run this morning though, and my appetite was quite satisfied from breakfast. Again though, if you haven’t tried the fudgies yet, you NEED to before too long, kay?

Lunch: Greek tuna salad pita sandwich, green beans, chickpeas, a bell pepper chopped up and mixed with the world’s best salsa, and some pistachios. This is probably one of my favorite lunches. I can remember back to last year and I think I ended up making some kind of pita sandwich almost every day. Hahah. Here’s the recipe for this one…

“It’s All Greek to Me” Tuna Pita-wich

1 whole wheat pita round

1 6oz. can of chunk light (or albacore) tuna (I use 365 unsalted kind, which is mighty tasty and bone-free)

2 oz. plain yogurt or Greek yogurt

2 tbps diced red onion

1/4-1/2 tsp Italian seasoning

pinch of garlic powder

2 tbsp diced celery

14g feta cheese (buy good quality!)

2 tbsp roasted red pepper hummus

1/4 cup lettuce, chopped

Again, super-simple and a great lunch to pack along to school or work too! Just mix the tuna and ingredients (through the cheese) and then stuff them into the pita spread with hummus and lettuce. It’s even better if you toast the pita bread first, but of course that’s totally optional. If you want to add-in even more to the tuna salad you could try kalamata olives, artichoke hearts, pine nuts, sun-dried tomatoes, or try switching out the feta for your favorite cheese (parmesan works wonders here).

Snack: Had this on-the-go while making a quick trip to Old Navy and Williams Sonoma at the mall with my mom! I had my second Chobani of the day along with a Lemon Lara Bar. If you didn’t already know this about me, I’m a huge Lara bar fan (I have over a hundred wrappers saved up for a special “art project”, hahah) and I probably have at least one a day. During my days of early recovery they were a great way to sneak in extra healthy calories and now they are the perfect portable or post-workout snack. Asking me to decide on a favorite flavor is like asking a mother to name her favorite child. I can’t say there’s one I don’t like to be honest!

Dinner: I had a church youth group meet and got home late around 8:00 so I decided that cooking was out of the question. I zapped one of the Amy’s meals I purchased the other day instead and rallied up some suitable side dishes.

I had this (one of the best Amy’s dinners, in my opinion) along with some green beans, black beans, and some chicken that I already had cooked, shredded and seasoned with pico ge gallo and herbs. Mmm. I know the idea of a “veggie loaf” totally wierds most people out, but it’s actually delicious! Now, don’t expect it to taste “just like mom would make” but it’s good in it’s own individual way. It reminds me a lot of stuffing to tell you the truth, which is a good thing for me since stuffing (or dressing, what have you) has always been my favorite thing on the Thanksgiving table… which is only a couple weeks away now!

 

Woo, look at the time! I’m sorry to cut off so suddenly like this, but it’s getting late and I have homework to attend to! I’m also making peanut butter banana ice cream for dessert tonight along with some cottage cheese. I will post the recipe sometime tomorrow and I look forward to hearing from you all! I hope you had a great weekend!

xoxo,

Kate

The Happiest Place on Earth

  

Might be stretching it there a bit, but I’m sure I have some Whole Foods homies who can amen to that!

Oh, and I apologize in advance about not posting. I have been super busy this week and it’s really just slipped my mind. I’ve still been reading/commenting on your blogs though so don’t worry! Everything’s all good here.

Speaking of which, I just got home from a quick trip over there with my mom and grandma to get a few “essentials” (hahah, more like treats). In the cart…

365 Creamy Almond Butter, a big bag of dates from the bulk bin, a couple Amy’s Kitchen low-sodium frozen meals, Food for Life sprouted pita pockets, corn tortillas, Chobani, some Pistachio and Apple Pie Lara Bars, and because it was absolutely necessary, Endangered Species Extreme Dark Chocolate.

In other news, I have been having a pretty bad pain in my right foot so I haven’t ran since Tuesday morning. Instead I’ve been swimming laps in the YMCA pool, which does not seem to bother my injury whatsoever. I’m hoping that it will heal up soon though – I like being on solid ground when I’m exercising!

So of course, this morning I had to skip out on running my usual route and swam instead. Before I left, I fueled up with some banana pancakes topped with plenty of 365 creamy peanut butter (perfect salty contrast) and some plain Chobani with strawberries. I am still very upset that I don’t have a camera to use to take pictures with, but I’ll still post the recipe for these since they are that good.

(By the way guys, I WILL have a short photo post coming up later tonight when I can get my mom’s camera plugged in. I don’t have any meal pictures (boo, hiss) but I have a couple snippets of some recent baking orders I’ve received and completed and I thought you might like to see them!)

Banana Oatmeal Pancakes

1/2 cup rolled or quick-cooking oats

1 tsp baking powder (I use FeatherWeight’s sodium-free brand)

1/4-1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 cup skim milk (or try using coconut or hemp)

2 tbsp ground flaxseed

1 tsp canola oil

1 egg OR 2 egg whites

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

50-60g of banana (treated with the melted banana trick)

The rest is pretty much standard pancake-making technique. Pre-heat a non-stick skillet over medium to high heat and flip em’ when you start to see bubbles setting on top. Oh, and the nut butter is not mandatory (they are still delish without) but why would you want to leave out something so creamy and wonderful? I think coconut flakes and coconut butter would go well with this recipe too, if you’re going for a tropical twist.

Being homeschooled and all, I was supposed to be getting to work on my school books right after breakfast (I have some time to waste wait between the time I finish eating to the time my mom is ready to leave for the gym) but instead of working on those, I whipped out a batch of these babies! Yep, I jumped on the fudge baby bandwagon too and now I’m hooked. They may have been the sole reason for my purchase of some extra dates this afternoon, but I won’t say for sure. Needless to say, I packed one up along with a Chobani to eat post-swim and it was beyond heavenly. If you haven’t tried them yet, get thee a food processor and MAKE THEM NOW!

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Lately I have been feeling a lot better emotionally as well as physically. Apart from my sore foot (poor thing) I have been faring pretty well considering the time of year and all. There’s been quite a scare with H1N1 (piggie flu) around here, but we don’t have to be as concerned since it’s mostly being spread via school-kids. If I were in public school I would be freaking out about being able to get the vaccination since there is a shortage and I’m just kind of a worry-wart like that. Make sure you guys are taking care – wash your hands, don’t touch your face, and of course, eat your veggies for a punch of vitamin C!

Internally I have been improving too. I rarely get those annoying “ED thoughts” (though they are still there, darn it) and I have been meeting my calorie goal every day, even when there are times when I feel I don’t need to. It’s unbelievable how much variety I’ve been introducing food-wise too. I know I have already mentioned this in a previous post, but just in the past month or so I’ve eaten… bacon, whole eggs, real chocolate, white pasta, butter, restaurant food, bagels, sweeteners other than stevia (honey, maple syrup, sugar, etc.), cookies, cream cheese, and more. If you had told me a year ago that I would willingly eat those things and enjoy them, I would have told you that you were crazy because I “don’t eat that crap.” Now I have almost every one of them in my home and I look forward to eating them any time I want to. To any of you out there who still have “fear foods” to face, just take a look at my list and think about yours. Why are you afraid of a food? It’s not going to jump out and bite you, and for Pete’s sake, it’s not going to “make you fat”. If there’s anything I hate the most, it’s when I hear people say that this or that food will “make them fat” because it’s simply ridiculous to think that way. Butter is not evil, chocolate is not the devil (although it is quite tempting), and what would a homestyle breakfast be without scrambled eggs and bacon? I’m not attacking anyone or trying to call anyone out as being cowardly, it’s just something to think about. It feels so freeing to be able to have choices again and it’s something that I think every girl should be able to experience without fear or regrets.

I know not all of you are Christians, or even religous in any way perhaps, but I just thouht I’d share these before I signed off. Sometimes one little passage of scripture can say so much. I also think you guys should check out this song and this video.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, or what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Which of you can add a single hour to his life by worrying? Matthew 6:25-27

 Psalm 27:1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of what shall I be afraid?”

Phillipians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up against it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Short, Sweet, and … Speedy!

Hey guys, due to me being completely winded right now (I’ll explain in a moment), I don’t think I’m going to go into a full-on recap of the past few days because there’s just so much else that needs to be said! I’m really sorry I didn’t get more posts in though. I need to get better about that.

I will give you a quick flashback to yesterday though before I move on. Before heading off to my last practice run before the 7K (which was today) I had an amazing ED-murdering breakfast of banana coco oatmeal! Not “cocoa”, “coco” as in COCONUT. Oh yes I did. I don’t know if you guys have heard me talking about my challenge with coconut around the blogosphere, but I totally whooped it yesterday with that bowl of oats. It included: 1/2 cup quick-cook oats (bleh, I know, I had no time for steel cut), half a banana, two tablespoons of milled flaxseed, half-and-half water and skim milk, and then topped off with some almond butter and a quarter cup of shredded coconut. Bliss it was. I had set my breakfast up the night before and had everything ready for me, but almost left off the coconut when I actually went to eat that morning and used almonds instead. Nuh uh. No way chick. I was having coconut oats all the way and nothing ED could say was gonna stop me. On the side I had some Greek yogurt and strawberries “berries n’ creme” parfait style.

Blah, blah, blah. The rest of my day went as usual. I had a pretty uneventful (and rainy) afternoon and when dinner came around I decided on breaded chicken parmesan with some whole wheat fettucine pasta because I felt the need to “carbo load” for…

THE 7K TODAY! WOOT! This is what this post has really been leading up to. I just finished about an hour and a half ago and I’m still ecstatic. Here’s the dirt on what happened.

I woke up this morning to the sound of my (awful) alarm clock and though I was tempted to smack it and sleep in, I knew that I would have to fuel up soon because I had to get ready for my big race! I hobbled downstairs and started up a pot of water for a brand new oatmeal recipe that I was trying out – cherry almond crumble oats. Before I knew it, they were done and I, half-asleep, sat down to breakfast. In the bowl were: 1/2 cup oats, 2 tbsp flaxseed, 20g dried tart cherries, half a banana, 1/4 tsp each of vanilla and almond extract, a tablespoon of almond butter for topping, and a crumbled graham cracker square. Best. Oats. Ever. They must have been the breakfast of champions because with their help…

I CAME IN THIRD PLACE! First female finisher! I was exploding with excitement (so were my lungs) when I crossed that finish line. I didn’t expect to come within range of the top 100 people and I finished third. It was a 7K and my time was 29:46 which is faster than I have ever done running on my own. This was my first “event” race of my whole life. I can’t even describe how good it felt. And now I have a $50 card to The Running Company (a favorite store of mine) and my dad’s taking me out to BD’s Mongolian BBQ for dinner! I found out my bro is going to a friend’s house for trick-or-treating, and since I’m without a costume I think I’ll be stuck as the “candy-passer-outer” this year, but that’s okay. Since I’ll be gone for dinner I might make my chili and peanut butter sandwich for lunch. It’s cold here today! It was only 45 degrees this morning when the race started and it has not warmed up much. At least God gave us some sunshine, which is a million times better than the storms we had yesterday.

Well, I (might) talk to you all later today! If not, have a great Halloween and weekend! Remember guys, you can do anything if you dedicate yourself and put forth your best efforts. Be it running your first marathon or defeating an ED (or just getting a passing grade in algebra), there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. Never forget that.

With love, Kate. </3

Christmas already?

That’s what it seemed like in youth group tonight anyway. We worked on planning our December trip to a center for abused women and children since we’re having a little Christmas party/VBS there. We always go on a little monthly volunteer or mission trip, and I think it’s a great way to focus my time and socialize a little. Anyway, we were able to choose one of four groups (christmas tree decorating, cookie making, crafts, or story reading) and of course, you can guess which one I picked. Well actually, my youth leaders know about my bakery so they asked if I would be the team leader for the cookies. Umm, yeah! We have to bake about 200 cut-out sugar cookies and from what we planned tonight, I think we’ll be hosting the big baking session at the home of your’s truly. When we go to the center, our group will be bringing in the cookies, some homemade icing, sprinkles, etc. and we’re going to help the little kids decorate them. It should be fun, and I’m sure there will be plenty of extra dough and frosting for us to “test”. After all, we have to make sure it’s safe first right? I can’t wait… especially since we’re also dressing up like elves – green tights and striped socks and all! Hahah.

Sorry to ramble on about all that; I just got home and I’m still pretty excited about everything. The rest of today pretty much went per usual – I made a quick trip to Kroger with my mom to snatch the last of the sale items before they change tomorrow. Can you believe they had bell peppers for $1 each? Lara Bars for 8 for $10? 99-cent FAGE yogurt? Yes sir ee’ that was some good shoppin’ there. We actually saved $35 off our total because of all the sale items.

This afternoon after I finished my homework and read a little Real Simple to relax for a while, I thought about what to have for lunch. I pondered several ideas and finally decided on a turkey and Jarlsberg melt on Ezekiel bread. I made a simple patty with some of the leftover ground turkey from last night along with chili powder, chipoltes, garlic powder, and a little “magic dust” (aka Mrs. Dash). With my sammie I made a big veggie plate with green beans, peas, black beans, and a bell pepper with some TJ’s salsa. I may or may not have munched some pistachios while waiting for everything to cook… heheh.

And then my afternoon flew by. Like I said, we went to the store, I took a shower to get ready for church, and then we were off. Which leads me to now, just getting done with dinner (which by the way, was Sesame Peanut Rice Salad with Chicken and some various veggies on the side). I’ll post the recipe in the near future when I can get a picture up too. Yes, that’s one thing that didn’t get done today. I still don’t have a new camera and may not be able to get one until this weekend, so hopefully I’ll be able to use mom’s for the next couple of days.

Now I just have to concentrate and write my ballad for creative writing class, which is due TOMORROW. Ugh. Poetry is not my thing, but I guess I’m committed to this project now so I might as well go ahead and attempt to write something. Any ideas? Maybe I’ll write about pasta. Hahah. Our teacher is awesome – she gave us permission to write about mac and cheese. Right in the middle of class she was thinking “What am I having for dinner tonight? Hm…” and then she burst out with “SHELLS AND CHEESE! I just remembered I have a box of shells and cheese!” It was hilarious. She’s probably my favorite teacher – she’s only about 25 and has a great personality. It makes my day sometimes when I’m feeling down just to go into that class.

Well, that’s all folks! As you can probably tell, I’m writing on and on and that’s most likely due to the fact that I’m avoiding my poetry writing project at all costs. Time to give myself a kick in the butt and get to work! See you at breakfast!

~ Kate

She’s My Cherry Pie

Another rainy day. Blargh. I sure hope it clears up in time for Halloween. I don’t have any concrete plans for the big night, but I am planning on going out with some friends and perhaps even a bit of trick or treating too. I miss it so much. Some of my favorite memories as a kid were dressing up and going to our neighborhood’s big Halloween parade and then going trick or treating with my big pillowcase ready for stuffing. Of course, mom always had peanut butter sandwiches and homemade chili ready for me when I got home and that might just have been the best part of all. I haven’t done that in three or four years now, but I’m thinking that this is the year to turn that back around. I can’t wait. And yeah, and ED’s not invited to come with us, no matter where I end up going.

Anyway, my cherry pie came in the form of a bowl of oats this morning. I woke up to my alarm clock at around 6:00am and came downstairs ready for some major good eats. I always set up my breakfast stuff the night before since my time is really limited in the morning and plus, I just don’t like waiting for my meal! It would probably take me twice as long to prepare everything then, and that’s just not gonna cut it for me.

In the bowl…

• 1/2 cup oats (cooked in water since I ran out of milk)
• 1/4 cup low-sodium 1% cottage cheese
• 1 tbsp almond butter
• 1 crumbled mini Cherry Pie Lara Bar

Simple and tasty. I also had an egg white omlette and a big ole ripe banana. After breakfast, me and my mom headed to the YMCA for a quick run and a water aerobics class. I love water aerobics because it’s not impacting at all, but it’s still a great workout and the water weights portion of the class is an awesome way to build up strength. I also did a run/walk today and broke a new PR for my mile time, which I’m really happy about since I’m signed up to do a charity 7K this Saturday morning with me madre. Wish me luck. On my way home I had some major snackage… an Ezekiel 4:9 sprouted pita bread, cottage cheese mixed with yogurt (my “wierd food” that I love), and a honeycrisp apple with peanut butter. Twas’ delicious. I love apple season and honeycrisps are by FAR my favorite out of all the varieties.

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This week has been a bit of a struggle for me. I have not really “relapsed” at all, but I have lost a little. A couple weeks ago my weight suddenly went up a lot in just a few days and kinda plateaued there for a while. I had not even eaten more than I usually did for maintenance though, so I  ED got this crazy idea that maybe I didn’t really need as much as I thought anymore  and should eat a little less. Hmm. Remind me next time to never take stupid advice like that again! Just look where it’s gotten me in the past. I have “recovered” and relapsed every year since the onset of ED and I am determined to NOT let it happen again. I usually relapse in the summer, but not this year. I usually have a sub-15 BMI for Christmas, but not this year. I have been so proud of myself for keeping my weight up for so long and I am not going to lose this battle again.

One thing I’ve been doing to help my mental side of recovery is coming up with a daily “challenge”. I can challenge myself by eating with someone else, trying a new food, eating a fear food, changing my eating ”schedule”, whatever it may be that day. So far here are some things I’ve recently ”conquered” : white pasta, eating out, bacon, bagels, egg yolks, changing meal times, eating late, eating with family, friends, and even strangers, not exercising compulsively, and though this wasn’t really a “challenge” per se, I was the only one in my family to have a clean plate at the Cheesecake Factory on my trip to DC last week. I didn’t even “split” with anyone. Quite an accomplishment any way you look at it.

Well, have a great day guys! Tops on my to-do list today is getting a new camera, so hopefully I can have some pictures up by later tonight! In the meantime, I’ve got to go finish my Spanish homework (with my teacher, Rosetta Stone, hahah) and pack a dinner for tonight. We have Wednesday night youth group at church tonight and it goes until 7:30 and I’m pretty hungry on my way home so I always pack something.

Picadillo Party

If you couldn’t guess by the title, I made Chicken Picadillo for dinner from one of my favorite recipes. I didn’t have any chicken breast, so instead I used ground turkey, but it was still just about the same as always. I made a black bean and rice pilaf to go on the side. I usually cook up a big pot of brown basmati rice at the beginning on Monday so I can just re-heat it and make things throughout the week. Tis’ very helpful when you frequently need quick meals (and calories).

Here’s what went into my bowl tonight…

Kate’s Turkey Picadillo

5 oz. ground turkey breast

1/2 tsp olive oil

1/4 cup diced red onion

1 small clove garlic

pinch of sea salt

1/4 cup Trader Joe’s fresh salsa (hot or mild)

1 tbsp cilantro

10g raisins

10g almonds

Other than that, I pretty much stuck to the original recipe’s instuctions. Like I said though, nothing is complete without a side dish!

Simple Black Bean and Rice Pilaf

1/2 cup cooked brown rice (any type)

1/3 cup cooked black beans

1 tbsp fresh cilantro

2 tbsp onions

1/4 tsp fresh garlic

1/4 tsp chili powder

1/8 tsp chipolte pepper powder

pinch of sea salt

1/4 cup chicken broth

YUM-O. This is one recipe that I can truly say is 5-star worthy. Seriously, you guys have to try this out. I’m going to try and experiment with a tempeh version too since I think tempeh’s texture is very similar to ground meats once you crumble and brown it. I’ll let you when I try unless one of you vegetarians out there wants to beat me to it!

As you may have noticed, there are once again no pictures present tonight. Shoot. I know, it’s a huge bummer, but just this afternoon, I found out that my camera is broken. I tried fixing it, tried changing the batteries, tried plugging it in to the computer, but alas, it’s dead. Hopefully I will be able to use my mom’s until I can replace it (which I’m hoping to do very soon) and that way I can still blog with photos.

Thanks to anyone who happens to be reading tonight! I hope you will all join me for breakfast tomorrow. I know my posts have pretty much been straight and to-the-point with recipes and things, but tomorrow I promise to make it a little more personal since I will have more time to write. At least I’m done with baking again until this weekend! Ugh. The plus side is, I just made $100+ today which might help contribute to my “new camera fund”. Hahah.

Adios amigas!

~ Kate